7/18/2013

Happy Birthday To Me!!!


Another birthday, another year older. But this year I'm not turning some regular number but have hit the 3 decades mark. Yup, I am the big 30 today. Let me just say that all those people that told me that I would freak out when I hit thirty were right. I mentally laughed at them and would be all like "Nah, that won't happen to me." Boy oh boy was I wrong. I don't know how many times in about the last six months that I have freaked out at my vastly approaching thirtieth birthday. Let me just say that pms and these moments were never my friend and always had me crying 1 or 2 days during them.


I'm not sure what these moments have been like for others but for me they have been "OMG I'm turning 30. What the hell am I doing with my life and what do I have to show for these past 30 years?" And of course when I have these moments I think through all the things that I don't have going on in my life that I for some reason believe I should have had already.

For instance, I'm a single 30 year old mother that isn't dating anyone and hasn't since my son's biological father and we broke up in 2010 after my lil guy was born. 3 years I have been single which is totally abnormal for me but is good because I've been able to concentrate on my son and I and spend all of my time with him. But, I worry about being alone and wonder if I will ever meet Mr. Right and caring. Some of my friends have the best relationships with their other half and I'm not ashamed to admit I'm jealous as I long for that companion to spend my life adventures with. But as my mom says all in due time and if it's meant to happen then it will happen and Mr. Right will come around when he is meant too. I also hope he comes around so my son can have some sort of healthy male bonding and influence in his life.

Education and Career. Two things that go together but both of which I do not have right now. I graduate with my Associates Degree in September though which is a major plus and it is better late than never. I didn't like school was I was younger especially not in this state which has a horrible school district. Career Wise I honestly have no idea what I want to do because I'm not sure what I'm skilled at. There are things that I enjoy doing but not sure if I am good enough to work in their industry. It's been since 2009 since I last held a job which kind of hinders trying to find these things out. Without having anyone to watch my son as my mother (whom we live with) works and doesn't have the time to watch him. Even though I would like to work and make money I love having all this time to spend with my son and bond with him. I would go bananas if I was away from him for too long.

And there are many other things that I go through thinking about. Like not having car, which even though it helps having that freedom, really isn't that big of a deal because I wouldn't be able to afford it and until I find out and rectify what is medically wrong with my neck I cannot get behind the wheel. It just wouldn't be safe right now I don't think. I always think I can do better at being a mom but I've heard that is natural especially when you're the only parent. Kids don't come with manuals and you have to learn as you go. Move out this state and have my own place which isn't conceivable at this point and time but something that I had hoped to of done and will eventually do. And of course there is always more.

But even if I don't have all of those things or have done so much in my 30 years that many others have done I have done in my life the things that I have been meant to do. I could have done more but I let self doubt and worry stop me. Celebrities might do many things with their lives but I really don't think I would ever trade lives with them. I'd much rather have a quite hermit life and the world not know who I am then have no privacy. There are so many things in my life that I am thankful for and would not change. Like having my son that loves me unconditionally, my family and though most of us live in different states we are still family, I may have a medical issue but I am still healthy and have all of my fingers, toes, arms and legs. There might be things in my life that I want to change but I have to make an effort to change them and things will happen if and when they are meant to.

This probably sounds like a whiny post and it probably it but I wanted to do a real post about how I feel about turning 30. I know I'm not the first person to feel this way and I won't be the last. Turning 30 is a big thing in a person's life because you're no longer in your 20's and considered young. I want to look back on this post however long from now after accomplishing these things and be able to tell myself that I did what I set out to do. And most likely call myself an impatient whiner, hahaha.

My mom made me a cake and cupcakes for the kiddo so I shall end this to go nibble on some while I watch my son play Harry Potter on the xbox. And as soon as I can get him off of it we're going to watch Identity Thief which I'm hoping is funny. Happy Birthday to everyone else celebrating their birthday today.

2 comments:

  1. I turned 30 a short 18 days after John and I got married. Strangely, turning 30 didn't bother me. It was the fact I was unemployed and broke that bothered me. I'm still unemployed and broke after almost three years of marriage and I still haven't finished my college degree either.

    Like you, I struggle with where I am at in life. It's hard to look in the mirror and think "I'm 30...(in my case, 32) what have I done with myself?" But I've learned that when you have family and friends to be there to guide you and be a shoulder to lean on when you're at your worst, eventually things will get better.

    Happy birthday my friend. Welcome to the 30s! It'll be great!

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  2. Happy Birthday! I already told my husband that he better throw me an awesome party because I know I am going to freak out when I turn 30! I think it's just a scary age, no longer 20. Logically, however, it's still very young! ( I will remind myself over and over). And as far as college and other things go, it's never too late to start! There are other things to do if you don't like school. Criminy, I "finished" school, and it hasn't really helped me get a job, so there you go.

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