4/29/2016

9 Words That Broke My Heart

My son has been my world since I first found out that I was pregnant with him back in 2009 and even more so when he was born. Things were a bit rocky for awhile after he was born due to his biological father and I going through a break up when he was two months old. Children didn't come with a manual so learning along the way as to how to be a mom and I can only hope a good one, have had its ups and downs. I can say that I would and will do anything that I possibly can for that kiddo but nine words that he said on Sunday while I was holding him on the Las Vegas Strip in front of the Bellagio hotel with my sister absolutely broke my heart.

"I wish I had a dad."
"But I don't"

Now, I wasn't heartbroken because I didn't feel like I wasn't enough for him. That thought hadn't crossed my mind at the time. I was heartbroken because that was the first time that he had ever said anything in reference to him having or in this case not having a dad. He has never asked about his dad or questioned me who his dad is or where he is in all of his six little years. A dad is something that I can't give him even though I would very much like to but I just can't.

I know that I mentioned his biological father but he has never really been in his life. He moved thousands of miles away, has only seen my son twice since he moved, hardly ever calls to talk to him and everything else that does not constitute him being at the "dad" level. He never wanted to be a dad and says that he doesn't know how to be one. Not sure how many times I have told him that kids don't come with manuals and that no parent knows how to be a mom or a dad and that it's all a learning process.

No matter what my ex says or doesn't do, I feel absolutely sorry for my son because he doesn't have that father male figure in his life. I do what I can but sometimes I don't feel like it is enough for him especially since he spoke those words. I thought that he knew no different and that a dad is not something that he really understood but I was dumb for thinking that since he obviously recognizes that he is missing something. Especially since he sees his friends at school with their dads and my dad was just in town for the weekend.

Being a single parent is tough and even tougher when you try to make up for the other missing half of the parenting scale. I can only do so much and not entirely sure what to do to give him some kind of male influence and role model. Maybe sports or something where there are other males and the discipline factor. It hurt before that he didn't have a dad but now that I know that he knows that he is missing one it just breaks my heart. The last thing that I want is for my little dude to feel any certain way that isn't happy and loved and I just hope that as he grows he will know that I have/do anything and everything that I possibly can for him.

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